Some of the issues The Core deals with are:

What do you want?
What is your intention?
the virtue of Trust
Creating Connection
investigating
accountability

This idea incorporates all of those. One idea I’ve been trying with increasing clarity and success is intentionally seeking 100% trust with my children. I’ve decided I want them to trust me 100%. One daughter is 11 and one daughter is 9.

The main way I do this is to tell them “I want you to trust me 100%. So what will it take to get us there? What do I have to do?”

Then I really make sure I understand what they are afraid of and figure out a way to resolve it.

Perhaps they are afraid of something real. For instance, one daughter said she was afraid I would call her a name because she had seen me call Jim a name 3 years ago. I resolved it, for now, by telling her that I had changed and explained that is why it had been so long since she had seen that happen. I also asked her what it would take for her to change her mind….what it would take for her to trust that I had changed and I wouldn’t call her a name. She said she thought she would just change her mind.

Sometimes I have noticed a kid is afraid of something happening that has never happened. So, I ask her when she remembers that happening and she says never. So then I investigate how she fears something that hasn’t happened and what it would take for her to trust it won’t happen.

Of course, there could be the case of them fearing something that could happen, such as a death or injury or other trauma. I haven’t personally had to deal with this one very much. In small cases I have dealt with it by empathizing and reminding them of how many great adults they have in their lives to take care of them.

I can also imagine the case where the child will bring up a reasonable criticism of the parent. For instance, if I hadn’t already changed my name-calling behavior, I would have to change it now in order to gain my daughter’s trust. A small price I think.

I have noticed that I have had to be consistent with this agenda. The first times I asked, they weren’t 100% forthcoming with their fears or criticisms. They would say silly things, at first, to test the waters. They wanted to make sure it was truly safe to say what they thought I should improve on.

One other thing I do is I keep my antennae out for signals of mistrust. When I hear any clue that they have mistrust for me I make sure to wrestle it to the ground. “Why don’t you want to talk to me when that happens? Is there something I could do to make you trust me more? I want your trust. What do I need to do?”

When I was a child I was afraid of many, many things in my family. I think it would have made a huge difference for me if my parents had intentionally sought my 100% trust. If nothing else, we could have cleared up many misunderstandings. I was afraid of things that were completely out of whack with reality. Kids are very creative, tend to over-dramatize, and always imagine the parents as BIGGER and MORE POWERFUL, maybe even SCARY. You might be surprised what they are afraid of once you convince them to share their inner world with you.

So, I recommend the following: Ask your kids on a regular basis what it would take to gain their 100% trust. What would it take for them to feel 100% safe with you? And then be prepared to change if needed. That is a huge gift you can give your kids. Providing a truly safe haven and showing them in real time you have the ability to change.