Dear Friends,

Today what is on my mind is Family and The Core. In particular, I am very inspired by a new idea we discussed a week ago in our family for the first time.

It goes like this.

I am proposing that Jim and I and his 2 youngest kids(9 and 11) get aligned around the idea that:

Mad is OK.

To be more specific I am proposing that we shoot for the ideal I have in mind that when one or more of us is mad, that the others are not scared, simply alerted to the fact that someone is mad which means there is a problem to be solved.

This may seem out of the realm of possibility to some of you.

But I have asked myself recently: Why do I immediately get scared when someone gets mad? It’s because I am afraid he/she is going to act in an irrational way. I think, for me at least, I could get to a point where I’m not scared when certain people are mad because I have established enough trust that I know they will not be irrational when mad.

So, why not in our little family?

It seems reasonable to me. For instance, when I proposed this idea, our youngest daughter said she gets scared when I am mad because she’s afraid I might leave. I’m not going to leave and I explained to her how I know that. I think it’s likely she will feel less fear in the future about that (especially if we adopt this vision for our family).

One objection that could be raised is that I am saying the fear we
feel is not OK. I am OK with the fear, too. However, I think that
there is currently way too much of it flying around. And most of it
is unnecessary. Wouldn’t it be better if there was less of it? Even
a little less of the unnecessary type? I think it’s worth a try.

Another objection I am running into seems to come from a lack of
discernment between being mad and being “fighty.” Mad is just a
feeling. I think being “fighty” is when you exhibit a suite of
behaviors normally associated with anger which are destructive.
These include being mean, sarcastic or bullying, raising the voice,
being defensive, arguing, etc. I know it is possible to be mad
without being fighty. I can do it sometimes and I’ve seen others do it.

I noticed in our last family meeting that the assumption everyone is making is that when one person is mad, the sooner someone checks out, the better. That until the mad person “cools off” we shouldn’t be around each other. This comes from the assumption that if someone is mad, he or she is automatically going to exhibit fighty behaviors.

My vision is that we can, as a family:

1. feel mad without being fighty. We can think and feel at the same time.
2. not feel fear in the face of our family members’ anger because we know they will think and feel at the same time when mad.

Now remember that visions are idealistic, maybe never attainable.
So, it’s probable we would never be perfect at this. But wouldn’t it be so inspiring if we could move in this direction?

The way I have started to change this in our family is to ask each
person what it would take for her/him to not feel scared when I say that I’m mad. As you see above, one of my daughters jumped right in and we made significant progress in clearing up her fears.

Maybe some of you have this dynamic in your family already and we are just catching up.

I am inspired by the possibilities and Jim just told me that he is
too, after thinking about it.

Peace and Health,
michele

p.s. Update. Our youngest has recently taken to calling people she doesn’t think look right “sad,” as a putdown. I told her yesterday that I want her to treat people with compassion instead of being judgmental. Usually, when I tell her I don’t like something she’s doing, she gets scared. So, this time both daughters and I had a discussion after I said this, that there was no reason to be scared. Our oldest daughter said, “I started to get scared and then I remembered, it’s just Michele and I don’t need to be scared.” So, so far the results are good.